Beyond the Grave… Is Dad trying to tell me something?

So over the past couple of weeks I have been having some odd dreams. They all seem to have a common theme… my dead father.

In about 11 days it will mark the 1 year anniversary of his passing, he would have been 73 this year.

I think the odd part of this started back when I went camping 3 weeks ago. I went back to the last place that I saw him alive. One of his favorite places to visit, Greenwood Furnace State Park. Last year my family started a new tradition of having a family reunion at the park. We had it last July, and it was the last time I saw my dad still alive.

This year I decided to spend the week prior to the event at the park to get my emotions in control. On the second day of my trip, I thought I saw my dad sitting on a bench. There was this man sitting there dressed just like my dad. He had on jeans, a baggy blue t-shirt with a pocket, which appeared to have a pack of cigarettes in it, along with a ball cap. I took a second look and then snapped a picture. I returned to what I was doing and started to cry. I finally let my emotions go while at that place of great memories.

The first dream was taking place during a snow storm and my parents were visiting. We had to walk to the store and he asked my very peculiar question: “Can we get that soda that I like from the movies?” ” Cherry 7-Up?” I asked… and he replied yes.

Now I don’t know if he actually enjoyed cherry 7-up or not, that’s a question I need to ask my mother but it was odd.

The second dream came on Sunday night into Monday morning. I wasn’t feeling well and I haven’t for a few days now. He appeared to me again. This time I was in my military uniform which I haven’t worn in over 15 years and he didn’t say anything. He kept pointing at his side, which was the side that I was having an issue with.

It freaked me out so I went to the doctors office on Monday and again on Tuesday. I still don’t know what exactly is wrong with me but I feel like Dad is trying to send me a message of some sort. I’m hoping to get the test results soon and have another appointment scheduled for Friday. I hope it isn’t anything serious and if it is maybe because of dad I caught it in time.

I keep you posted… oh and if anyone can interpret these dreams, please let me know.

Have a great night…

~ Rob

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My Mom… My Hero

I was commenting on another blog today about who my hero was and I decided I should post it here as well.

My mom has always been my hero. All throughout my life she has been supportive and inspiring to me. In the most recent years she has had to struggle with two major losses in her life, both her mother and her husband. She dealt with both deaths almost flawless and was a rock for me. Losing a parent is never easy. It was hard for me when my grandmother died because I worried about the feelings of my mother. She told me though that even though it was hard to say goodbye, she had so many great memories of her life that out weighed the sadness that she felt with her passing. I reminded her of this as well when we lost my dad last August. It was hard to do but she kept her head up high and decided some major decisions in life that were better for her in the end.

So with that I say that she is my hero. I look to her for guidance and the strength to get through the days.

Happy 4th of July!

Last night’s dream… Reliving a difficult time

                 So I found myself waking up in a cold sweat this morning as I recalled the dream that I was having. In August of 2013 I lost my father due to a severe heart attack. The weeks after that were very difficult for me and my family as my mother made some rather large decisions right away.

                In my dream last night it was more like reliving that loss and those weeks. I found myself once more packing up a huge rental truck with all of my mother’s things and arguing with my siblings about what we should be taking and what should be left behind. In the dream though my sister and her husband were actually present so the arguments were extremely intensified. I was very upset by the fact that they just wanted to argue every little thing that was going on.  I felt like I was getting screwed over somehow.  In reality I did drive the truck cross country as you can see in my journey from my earlier posts but this time in the dream it was different.

                I wasn’t actually living in my area outside of Philly, but in Idaho… which is weird because I’ve never been there or know anyone from Idaho.  This is also the second time that I’ve dreamed about living another life in another state than what I’m living now so I have no clue what this means.

Why would I relive the events of this past summer?

Why am I dreaming of a state that I have no connection to?

and lastly…

Why am I dreaming about another life that’s quite different from the one I’m living now?

Well I hope you all have a good day and if you are being battered by a snow storm like we are, please be safe.

 

~Rob

I feel lost…

 Over the past month since the passing of my dad, I’ve had a whole array of emotions cycling through me. Anger, sadness, bitterness, happy, and loneliness.  The most recent feeling is the constant feeling of being lost. I feel like my mind has fractured into a thousand tiny teeny pieces and I’m struggling to put them back together.  I’m going home again this weekend to finalize some more minor details and then I should be done. I think once this weekend is complete I will be able to get back to a normal routine, including my running, event planning, social life, movie going and bowling norms.  I’m very lucky that I quit my second job back in February or I wouldn’t even know how this would go.  

I have been able to start thinking about my writing again as well. Just the other night I was able to muster up the courage to write 1600 words into my book, that brings the total word count to 25000. The novel is growing quite nicely and I can’t believe I started it over 6 years ago. It’s going to be quite interesting once it’s finished. I know that every author thinks that they have a good quality book and people will be excited about it, but I truly feel that. I still feel like I’m meant for greatness and success, even with this stumbling block.  I need to stop feeling bad about everything and just get moving. 

Well enough about that.  If you have time check out my Facebook page. I put stuff out there all the time.

Have a great day.

Thanks,

Rob

I think I’ve lost my mind…

Wow… sorry folks it seems like I’ve been slacking lately. I understand why but I feel like I must apologize anyways. Yesterday was very emotional. I came back to work for the first time since the passing of my father and it was quite something. Most of my department was coming up to me, talking about my loss and expressing their deepest sympathy and condolences. I truly appreciated it but at one point it got to be too much.  I had to break away and go outside, I sat down at a table outside my office window and just cried. I couldn’t hold it back anymore at that point. I know I should be working, yet I can’t seem to focus. I’m worried and scared for my mother. Is she going to like Colorado?  Will she really get a piece of the property there for herself?  I guess this blog is more of an outlet for me. It helps me get things off my chest. It’s not here to sell anything, or to be anything special. I know you are reading it out of curiosity of who I am and what I’m about… if that wasn’t the case then there would have been comments posted about my loss, yet there isn’t anything. This space is just what it is… space for me to get the thoughts out of my head.

I know I have to get back to writing soon. I really need to finish Reality Shift this year… I’ve had great momentum with the other stories, I just need to finish. Once I’m done I will be dedicating it to my dad.

Well I got to go for now…

Have a great day.

Rob

Sadness sets in…

The days are getting longer and sadder… My emotions are raw and I’m hiding them from my mother the best I can. I’m trying to stay strong yet when I’m alone I’m so sad. I start to cry. I watched TV tonight with my mother, as I watching I was also watching her. She sat there with this sadness on her face, it hurt me to see her like this. I know it will be better with time but I wish I had a way to fast forward and see her happy again. She’s going to move with my sister in Colorado in a few weeks and I’m not sure I’m a 100% behind it. I originally thought it was a good idea now I’m second guessing myself. I know it’s what best… But now I’m being selfish and don’t want her to go because we will be so far apart.

When I lived in Michigan I was 6 hours away, at least it was still drivable. Now CO is 30 hours away from my current living arrangements. I would have to fly out anytime that I wanted to see her. I know with modern technology I could talk to her with FaceTime or Skype but it’s not the same as sitting next to her or getting a hug. I’m really going to miss her but this is her life now, I have to respect her life choices.

Well I hope it gets better, soon.

Have a great night.

Rob

Getting Harder

So it’s been 5 days. I thought it would start to get easier but it isn’t yet. My mother made a dramatic choice this week. She has decided that she wants to move to Colorado to live with her daughter,her husband, and two grandchildren. The hard part is that they want to do it over the next two weeks… What?!?!

I’m not sure I’m ready or can handle this. I already lived 200 miles away now I’m going to be living 1670 miles away from my mother. That’s quite a distance… I was usually seeing my family 3 or 4 times a year… Now most likely will only be once a year, I can’t afford to be going out too many times. I just hope that this is the right choice.

Well I’m mentally exhausted this week and it’s not over yet.

Have a good night and I hope you all have a great day tomorrow.

Rob